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I was born into abuse. My biological parents decided without question that I was the reason they got divorced. They both told me as much when I was able to contact them at the age of eighteen. I was sent to several foster homes before I met the lady that adopted me. She was the first single lady in Jennings county In to get to adopt a child. I was about three years old at the time. I often wonder if my life would have been more stable had she been a traditional mom with a husband for my father,but this I will never know. She had to take jobs as a caretaker of a polio patient and we delivered newspapers at onetime in the freezing cold. I got to collect the money and the stamps that were the biggest part of what the paper company needed for their records. I folded and assembled so many papers at one time I can recall the smell of the ink on my hands as I type this. My moms son and two daughters were grown up and out of the house by the time I came into the picture. So as a young child I didn’t have anyone to grow up with. I was isolated to the point of the TV and Radio were my friends. The family considered me to be the black sheep. My mom had been told by doctors that I had a hole in my heart,twisted tube around my windpipe,and an artery that was coming out of the wrong place in my heart. All fabrications and mistakes that should have been prevented by qualified staff at the hospital. She was told that I would not live to be sixteen. I never got to go to games or parties with other kids nor did I get to experience a childhood. My mom ruled with an iron hand when I talked back to her I got her hand across my mouth.I learned to like the taste of my own blood. How sadistic is that? I question her motives for not letting me have fun like the kids my own age and she said that she did not want me to end up pregnant. I had that covered with a solemn promise to God that I would finish my high school education before I had sex. I kept my word,but I sit and wonder, if I had maybe I would have made my dream come true and been the kind of mom she was not. My mom had deeply convinced me that I would not be a good parent and that I would kill a child. I felt defeated in each turn that my life was taking. I had been with a few guys who all just wanted sex from me, I think I was just striking out to get OUT of her home. Then I was trying to hitch hike to California to become of all things a prostitute since hey sex sells. I figured if you can have sex and get paid for it I was in. My self esteem was that low by the time I hit nineteen. Then I met my ABUSER! He was charming to say the least. I got to be his copilot in a semi truck. I found out it was not going to be an easy path. He made certain promises to me none of which he kept. He would make me wear clothes that let the other drivers see my curves I was his trophy but not good enough to be a wife. I was the youngest girlfriend at the banquets and the high school reunions he went to. I paid a dear price in him keeping me. I had to stay in dumps for the time it took them to change his oil on the semi and when it was hot outside and he had to stay inside for them to call him for loading or unloading I was left in the sleeper covered in plus 120 degree heat. In the winter it was an icebox he was all about the bottom line how much fuel to conserve so he would get the big bonus. I was put out in the woods many a time and I had to stay at a truck stop where I was raped by the manager saying if I do not give it to him he was calling the police to say I was a “lot lizard” prostitute.I was not allowed to help his daughter find her path in life, nor was I allowed to speak my mind with his constant lying. He lied about it all. His so called cars,houses, money, and what he possessed in general. I was kept like a prize, but without the gain. I found peace in a computer via chat rooms and the social networks. I found internet friends some who found what he would blurt out to be unfounded and I would not hear from them again.I have had a few who stuck by me in the times I went through. His dementia was so bad that his hoarding was over the lines of reason before he even retired from truck driving it just got bigger. I remember taking so many things to the garbage because he could not or would not let it go. Another persons trash from a storage bin auction was his treasure. For me it was cats I loved them and was allowed to keep as many as I wanted and when the numbers ran into the 50 or more range with him refusing to get but a few fixed it became so smelly and unhealthy to live in at either house we stayed. Sinus infections by the day as well as asthma. I endured so many sexually transmitted Urinary Tract Infections I now have a bladder twice the size it should be. I even developed bladder spasms so bad I had to wear adult diapers with pads in them. He was always ragging me about my cooking saying it was not good enough and then throwing it to the cats to eat. He would buy TV dinners by the dozens with my food stamps leaving me with barley enough to get my own food with. He would let trash overflow the place he was sitting at and not care if it made a mess when I tried to do some cleaning up.He would pee off the porch just to save two steps he said it was his right.Bullied with his I love you like a ruptured hemorrhoid, you are beautiful as a pile of shit, am I pretty yes pretty ugly. Those were not as bad as the only times he said he cared for me when I was walking out the door to leave him yet again.I felt so overwhelmed by all his negativity and despair that he had going on. I tried suicide so often that I gave up on it. I contemplated killing him and then me to be free from this life I hated. I was told by him you can use my money for whatever you want so I did I bought so many clothes and things that I no longer have. I tried to leave him so many times that I lost count of how much gasoline I put into the Blue Jaguar he stole from me at the end. It came to a sudden end when it was our 27th year together I said “happy anniversary” his response was “whats so fucking happy about it.” I had made my mind up that what he said that day would change my course for one way or the other. I had met a guy who was much bigger than him and I hoped that he could help me out but his family didn’t want me around. His dad who is in charge of some prison called a place in Dothan Alabama and I was driven down there with just what I had when the ex kicked me out along with his crooked cop friends. Money seems to mean more to Crenshaw county than common sense.The police who he had in his pocket said he bought it it is his. So was everything else that I thought I had some say so over. I lost everything priceless things my mom had given to me jewelry, paintings she did herself, EVERYTHING I got while going through college for the one semester. I lost it all. That all happened the last straw in August of 2013 I got out and stayed the hell out. In Sept of that year I had to have an operation to stop the bleeding from my uterus I was so scared that I would not live through it I had lost 3 units of blood. By the time I left the shelter and moved into my own apartment I felt so alone and I just wanted God to put things right in my life for me. He did just that I met my soul mate at the apt building the exact same day. I am still healing with his help. I still have my own nightmares and PTSD but I find him to be of a deep comfort. I still fell so sad thinking of the cats and things I had to leave behind I was hoping to pass something down to someone some day but it will never happen. I will have however a man who cherishes each minute he gets to spend with me.I LOVE YOU passes out of our lips to one another daily so do bless yous and lots of sweet words of joy. I may never get to where I totally forget the past but the future sure looks much brighter. I got for our first Christmas together an engagement ring and the proposal of any gals dream one kneed “will you do the honor of becoming my wife.” I still feel like my eyes will open and the dream will be no more. I am getting through the PTSD with the help of my fiance and several groups I belong to and with that I say Thank You for letting me share my story..May this help some other lady or man find that joy can be found
I was just going through the beginning of High School back in 1982 or 83.She and I were getting ready for bed when she had a spell where she got sick and fell to the floor in a heap.I dialed 911 a new service at the time and her Son while keeping as calm as I could.It took the ambulance almost 20 minutes to get to our home and another 2 minutes for her son to get there with his wife.All I can recall after they all got there is my brother telling me to pack a bag of clothes and my meds I was staying with them for sometime until mom got better.I recall going to see mom one time while she was in the hospital.Her voice was slurred a bit and her memory wasn’t quite as acute as it once was but I had her back in a couple of weeks.I know my mom loved me if she had not her health would have went downhill and not up.I say alot about her but you know what? I never had to sleep in a cardboard box or a car we always had a roof over our head and somehow food to eat.
I recall times getting up at 4:30 AM and earlier to pick newspapers up with their circulars and put them together along with putting them in a plastic sleeve to deliver all over the back roads of Indiana.We would pile into the Red Ford Pinto station wagon and in 2 or 3 hours time they would be delivered and the money collected for the routes.I was put in charge early figuring out how much money we had as well as the little “tabs” you put in the box as well as Bill Collection notices.I learned money early.
Mom worked at a Jailhouse as the very first lady matron in Jennings County,Indiana.She cooked prisoners meals as well as kept the upstairs office neat and tidy,she even got a few accommodations for her service.
Mom also worked in the principles office in Junior High as a secretary I got to help her out during the summer times when it was just staffed with Summer School students.While she done her job I learned how to use copy machines the kind you hand crank.
Mom worked as a caregiver to a polio patient for a man who was the president of the Kentucky association of (P V of A) Paralyzed Veterans of America.He even trusted me enough to ask me if I would come to help him out whenever his wife and kids were out of town.His taste in TV shows was Benny Hill and the likes.
She also worked on a childrens ward at the State hospital for some years.She learned how to take temps and do pulse counting and do charts for each patient.She had an entire ward to do by herself at times.
My moms work and her ethics made her who she was;a strong, independent,and driven person.While this BLOG is not in order of first to last its important that some people know what kind of WOMAN I came from.Mom was the very first single person to get to adopt a child in Indiana in her time.She was not my biological one but will forever take her teachings of do unto others as they would do unto you to my grave.I LOVE YOU MOTHER!
This is the time of year when sadness hits in the form of ALL that we have LOST.We should focus on what we gained this time of year …..Jesus Christ…..His birth was and is the most Miraculous birth of all time….Born with just his mom Mary and his dad Joseph they brought forth the redeemer and the forgiver…..They brought the shinning star and the brightest angel that would EVER be born…Jesus knew at birth he had 33 years to do what had to be done and what words were needed to be spoken….God sent him to us so we can trust that IF we believe in him we will have everlasting life…..John3:16….God and Jesus trusted us to keep the faith in our lives and to delve only in the words of them that meant that we would live with them in Heaven…..The stresses of people who have lost others at this time of the year plus the stresses of everyday life make us wonder IF we will ever make it through the next day.Some of the losses are new ones some are old ones that have as of yet to be resolved by laying a wreath on a grave but one certain thing is true….With God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit no distance is too far and no death too painful that THEY will not help us through them.Our fears, nightmares, and what ifs will not comfort us but GOD will!!!!!!! MAY GOD BE IN YOUR HEART THIS SEASON!!!!
I awaken from my restful slumber feeling outta sorts today is different,but I do not know why.I slowly stretch my tiny legs out and upwards towards the last of the incoming sunlight.It is then I hear a sound and look excitedly towards the door,I have been asleep all day,as most cats do.I then roll quickly over onto my soft tummy,stand up on my nimble paws, and dart quickly out the opened door,as I exit I swish my tail in the air a few times.I yawn as wide as my little mouth can take in my surroundings with great care you can never be too careful with the stray animals around.When I am sure the coast is clear no dogs, squirrels,and other animals,it is then I can and do slowly make my way off the premises with my paws gently retracing one of my favorite routes.I usually go to town for scraps even though my owners feed me the best that they can afford.I still like the merchants who live on the corner that give me the last few sips they have of sheep milk.I love how sweet it taste and how they seem to always know how I love to be petted while I am lapping it up.I tell you it is the cats life for me,the humans they have so much to deal with me I just eat,drink,and sleep.Sometimes I catch a rodent or two to earn my keep, but I try to keep those days few and far between,never get rid of them all or then your usefulness is outlived.All of a sudden I hear odd sounds coming from an Innkeepers place where I usually go for scraps.
“We have come for a room.Do you have one to spare?’ says this man I have never seen before and who is holding a very big woman’s hand.
The innkeeper gets real mad and tells them”Go away we have no room for you and especially for her.We do not want to get involved with a pregnant woman she may die in here and we do not want to be held responsible.”
The man says as the woman screams in pain,”Then where do you suggest I go to?”
The innkeeper very madly says”Go to the manger you can sleep there now quit bothering me.”He then slams the door in their weary faces.
I have never seen him so angry.I am drawn to get closer to them,so I walk to the man and the big woman,and it is then I see why she is so big,she is with child.I recall when my owners lady had her baby,she was in pain for hours.
I walk up to the man and brush against him,half expecting him to swat me away like a fly,but he scoops me up in his arms and says,”Hello little kitty how are you? I am Joseph and this is Mary. We have traveled a long way only to be turned down by everyone for a room.Would you like to stay with us for the night?”
I do not know them but the mans voice is calming and reassuring to me.I decide to forego the rest of my nightly prowl because something inside me says this night and these people are special in a big way.They may be covered in tattered clothing but their manners seem so warm and loving.I have never felt so loved and at peace both at the same time,not even by my owners.
I am so content that I purr so loudly the lady looks over at me.”Hello little cat I see we have our first visitor to the manger.Would you like to rest with me on the hay while my husband prepares me a bed in the hay?”I rest in her arms while her man makes the bed and places a cloth over it so that it makes the hay softer.
It is just then that the rest of the animals begin to arrive.I can say it was a night that I will long remember so many creatures of such different looks.A trio of men come they were called “”Wise men”” whatever they were,but they sure knew the names of each of the animals that arrived.I met Zebras,Lions,Sheep,Cattle,and the list is endless.I do believe the whole world of creatures were present.It was so strange to see Lions and Sheep sleeping side by side as was the Dog and Cat.Soon though the woman screams and drops me.I know it is time.
I do not want to watch but I do her face is all aglow by the shinning star in heaven.”She is giving birth to Jesus Christ” says a wise man.I look up to him but he and everyone else is looking at the woman.
All of a sudden she yells,”He is here!”The sound of trumpets ring out and cheers among the people and the animals fill the night air.
I have witnessed something so incredible and magnificent the birth of Jesus Christ and a new beginning for the world.I knew this night was special when I first woke up.I just had had no idea how special it was destined to become.Bethlehem became a place where so many would come to just to see where he was born.I was given the most precious gift of all to be there with Mary,Joseph,and Jesus Christ.
We instill from birth almost now that violence solves every issue. From getting the most bubbles by shooting at them with imaginary water guns on a computer screen.To shooting with real handheld guns from manufactures who make them for gamers to shoot cyber humans to death.Take a look at the games you play and the ones your children want.Ask this question will my kids benefit from them?
We give them guns for Christmas and not something to look up to.We make people angry by limiting what we sell. We find reasons to justify everything.”I am so busy it will keep them busy” reason why to buy a violent video game which we do not monitor.Trust me if the average parent knew what was on the game they just bought it would NOT have been bought.Why not get unbusy and play catch with your children?When I was young I busied myself tearing up useless small kitchen items and even an old telephone that a repairman left with me when I was sick.I was in heaven with that type of play.I also learned a lot about their inner workings.
We sink ourselves so deep into this hole of DEBT that we can not find a way out so we hide or heads into the sand as per usual.By doing so we escape into this mentality of everything is doing great.We have the new car,house,clothes, jewelry,and sporting goods.Kids raised by material l homes are more than likely to act out of that environment and do things that they should not.Some kids can and do make it in such homes but you must raise them with GOD in their life as a stable and constant.We made it our business to see to it our kids get their games but not the support they need.
We let kids who come to us with real serious issues get brushed off by people who have better things to do.How many times have kids come to councilors in a school and were brushed off by the person and allowed to stay with the parent ,or parents that abuse them.I was a VICTIM of that,but it was because I have had GOD in my heart that I choose NOT to do what some kids nowadays do with out haste.God needs to be put back into our lives if we are to survive.
We are all given choices in life and we must choose well for what we do now affects everyone in the future.I came up with a real sense of God even when others have decided to fail him.We will never know what makes a person loose the grip on Love,Life,and Happiness.We will only know its aftermath.We must each strive to obliterate the ignorance that we ourselves have fallen blissfully into.
Teach others not to spend more than what they make and you will go a long way towards financial independence.Tech the adults to not go for the newest items out there especially if they can not afford them.Make the supreme effort to always put forth a helping hand in the community that you live in.Make your heart a calming place so others can find shelter from their storms.Do not let others tread lightly onto your rights.
Give to your children God,Reason to live,Reasoning to let others live,Happiness,Joy,Sincerity,Gifts that enrich their lives,Strong family values, Discipline,Honor,Courage,Grace,Stillness in their hearts,and most of all a Strong family background.
These will help to raise Humans who will enrich the world we leave to them.Please do your part and save the world one person at a time even if it is just you.